23 KEYS: Relating-401 [S01:M03:T04]

Welcome! I’m, Doctor David J. Hastings PhD, Dean of #Habitology #University and host for this eleventh 23 Secret Keys to WayBetter Your L.I.F.E. Doctor David TALK’s #WayBetternar.

As indicated in the previous tenth WayBetternar, this WayBetternar, ‘23 #KEYS: Relating-401’ presents a Relationship Decagon that dramatically propels not only understanding #relationship complexities but also the means to its awesome enhancement.

Even though the #Relationship Decagon exposes couple relationship interactions, it is also applicable for all relationships: even the relationship with yourself.

The #Relationship Decagon describes interactions not only between a couple but also the shifting dynamics each brings to the relationship. #Key is that each partner brings two personality belief assemblies or belief sets to the relationship: their #Private-#Self constructs and their #Public-#Self constructs.

Private-Self is earmarked by one’s hidden or at least not openly or easily shared wants, hopes, dreams, sense of worth or worthlessness, etc. mostly because one thinks them odd and unacceptable.

Public-Self on the other hand is the rigorously honed, maintained and practiced personality façades that in applicable situations, one is comfortable to present as one’s identity or personality.

To a greater or lesser extent all house both a Private-Self and a Public-Self.

In other words, everyone has many Public-Self #behavioral ranges or as #Habisitology calls them situational #personalities. For instance, one’s #behavioral ranges are different with a significant other, than with same gender friends on a Las Vegas trip; than at a stag; than in a boardroom; than at a career interview; than while stuck in a dark elevator, and so on.

It seems excellent actors, without much limitation, are able to tap into

and vary their situational personalities at will.

The Relationship Decagon is offered as a means for #couples to understand both why #relationships are complex and how-to mutually strive to excel intimacy through integration of Private-#Self and Public-#Self belief sets for each partner.

Note that the ‘Him’ and ‘Her’ and derivatives employed in #Relationship Decagon descriptions are for clarity only and are in no way intended to exclude alternate love relationships. In our view, living is optimal wherever consistent love, caring and respect exist.

As this discussion is couple oriented, the discussed relationship facets are divided into five sets of two as follows.

The first set of 2 facets encompasses each partners Private-Self #relationship or how they think of themselves: i.e., his Private-Self beliefs regarding himself and her Private-Self beliefs about herself.

The second set of 2 facets encompasses each partners view regarding their own Public-Self value or their beliefs about their external world value: i.e., his Public-Self beliefs regarding his worth and her Public-Self beliefs about her worth.

The third set of 2 facets involves beliefs about the others Private-Self: i.e., his beliefs regarding what is driving her Private-Self and her beliefs regarding what is driving his Private-Self.

The fourth set of 2 facets involves beliefs about the others Public-Self situational personalities: i.e., his beliefs regarding her Public-Self representations and her beliefs regarding his Public-Self representations.

The fifth set of 2 facets involves how each views their effectiveness as a couple: i.e., his beliefs regarding their value as a couple and her beliefs regarding their value as a couple.

When one’s Private-Self and Public-Self are in close alignment one is happiest: When divergent one is most unhappy.

For instance, when one’s Private-Self desires freedom while Public-Self is drudging through an unfulfilling workday, one is probably discontent and unhappy.

However, when one’s Private-Self desires freedom and fulfillment, and one’s Public-Self workday is filled with new experiences and excitement, one is probably joyful and happy.

The Relationship Decagon model above can be clarified by integrating the Lobster Fork Relationship Model. Why a Lobster Fork? As a lobster fork has two tines or prongs that are supported by a common handle, the model suggests each individual as a tine and the couple interrelationship as the handle.

The Lobster Fork Relationship Model is useful because it clearly depicts two independent people (tines) who have come together by choice, not to give up their individual identities but to be stronger due to their joining (handle). Differences are maintained, while couple Pro-Habit strengths are created.

By definition, couples are two people who have come together with sufficient passion and interest in one another’s living style to form a group of two.

#Communication is not about looking across the void between the tines and assuming you understand the others motivations, desires, etc. but is effected in the handle where both desire to be strong and secure together through #communication.

In other words, two tines symbolize two people: the integrated base couple agreed overlap.

Overlap is defined as those aspects that have been mutually decided (without reservation) as acceptable by both individuals even though an individual, if still single might have exercised a different conclusion.

Overlaps are many in a cooperative #relationship: They span from furniture choices, to décor, to cleanliness, to #friends, to body type, to fitness level, etc.

When we meet someone, we are comforted by their similarities but excited about their differences. Therefore, at the start of an intimate #relationship one explores and more importantly celebrates and participates in each other’s differences (maybe hiking, sailing, biking, movie types, foods, etc.) and revel in similarities that sustain comfort.

Unfortunately, as a couple relationship becomes more familiar, chaos-#habits (such as control, disregard and impatience) can come to roost between the tines. When these and other chaos-#habits manifest they may not only obliterate a clear view of the others intentions and desires but also grow so large that the pressure begins to crack and tear the handle apart.

So, what can be done to avoid damaging the handle?

Firstly, be aware that individual chaos-#habits exist. Secondly, just because you both formed a group, where each is genuinely attempting to create mutual loving and caring Pro-#Habits, does not mean that individual chaos-#habits will just go away.

What needs to be accomplished is to grow the action-potential of newly forming group Pro-#Habits, such as loving, respect, courtesy, benefit of the doubt, kindness, no blame, and the like, so Pro-#Habits mostly become the GO-TO #habits.

Passionate diligence and practice are of course #Keys to successfully aspiring new individual and group Pro-#Habits to GO-TO status.

Why passion, practice and diligence? Because these are pivotal to quickly scooping adequate current-new to sufficiently populate Pro-#Habit data-archives, so you can both Get-What-You-Truly-Want.

Do not try to fake it. Avoidance of passionate and committed #DOing will not work because your sensory-scoop will simply be too small to provide sufficient current-new to create GO-TO Pro-#Habits powerful enough to usurp well established detrimental chaos-#habits.

The resistance chaos-#habits will try to keep you in place for sure. They will summon all sorts of #Chatterbox comrades such as denial, chagrin, #rejection, #anger and dismissal. Do not let those old chaos-#habits outdo and undo you though. Instead, stay the course and guaranteed is communications, which seemed hard at first will become easy: this after all is the #Habit gift!

Thirdly, celebrate, inspire and be respectful of your partners differences. Not only will acceptances be appreciated by your partner but also acceptance will populate each person’s self-esteem Pro-#Habit, and thus begin disengagement of its detrimental nemesis; the Self-Doubt chaos-#habit. In other words, you will both feel better about yourselves as well as the other.

Keep in mind … broader perspectives equals better choosing; and better choosing dramatically propels both of you onto the path to Getting-What-You-Truly-Want!

In the next several WayBetternars: What is Attraction; How does one ‘choose’ their

partner; and much more!

Your feedback is always appreciated! So, interact and contribute by sending an email to DoctorDavidTALKS.WBYL@gmail.com with the reference-ID ONLY please in the Subject Line. The reference-ID for the Doctor David TALK’s WayBetternar just watched is S01:M03:T04.

Until the next WayBetternar, stay safe! Thank You for your time: much appreciated!

[The above a tailored transcript of ‘23 #KEYS: Relating-401’ (#23KeysRelating401): reference-ID ‘S01:M03:T04’. Hosted by Doctor David J. Hastings PhD (#DavidJHastings #DoctorDavid), it is the eleventh Doctor David TALK’s (#DoctorDavidTALKs) #WayBetternar in a video seminar series available free on the YouTube channel called ‘23 Keys to WayBetter Your L.I.F.E.’ (#23KeysToWayBetterYourLIFE).]